What about you? What got you down this path specifically? What was your catalyst?
I don’t know, I have had a lot of catalysts. Mostly I feel like I try to follow the voice of my heart. I have always wondered about the true nature of reality. My own path has always been to absorb a ton of things and try connecting the information I have in new ways. I make predictions about things and see how those predictions pan out.
A couple things were catalysts for me. One of them was the work of Carl Jung. His ideas of synchronicity and archetypes eased my way into understanding how an immaterial force could have a patterned arrangement that was real even if it was only psychological…
Another thing was quantum physics. Our 8th grade science teacher was this young man who was genuinely inspired by the world. He did nothing to help the bullying that went on at that school as it was obvious he was one of the uncool kids in his middle school long ago and relished the attention of the popular kids even as he wore the title of the school’s coolest teacher. But despite that, even us outcast kids loved his class because he did things like starting the class period with his room darkened by candles wearing a hood and reading ‘The Pit and the Pendulum’ as an analogy for physics.
He was the one who showed our class a video about quantum physics during one of my last days in the 8th grade and I remember there were these monks in the video who could hang by their necks while maintaining perfect meditation poses. How could that be possible? For the first time I realized learning was relevant to my quest in understanding reality, and I changed my whole mentality and began absorbing information and making inferences constantly. I bought a book on quantum physics and upon reading bell’s theorem it became obvious to me that consciousness creates the material world.
Philosophically, that led me to the Eastern religions like buddhism and to works like existentialism as I grappled with a deep mortality complex during my early teens. I had been working with psychology since my freshman year of high school trying to learn how to read people and influence them or figure out what they were thinking. Then of course that led me to Jung, and certain spiritual experiences unfolded as my understanding was fit to receive them.
I know it sounds silly, but where I am now feels like destiny to me . I was led to the mysteries about two years ago after seeing merkabas in the sky and filming them and upon seeing them realizing that something beyond extraordinary was presenting itself to my very eyes. The world was electric, and everything fit together. More and more then I started ending up in the right places in the right times to appreciate the way the mysteries are connected. I have been barking up the right alleys although it’s been a very bumpy ride.
Luckily, I have had just the right sort of life experiences to make me capable of having these kinds of experiences without unfortunate side effects.
The only time I ever interacted with a palm reader she told me something interesting. She said,
“it seems you have the ability to push yourself beyond your god given potential”.
I was maybe eighteen or so….it really struck me, I’d never thought about it before, but it sounded exactly right….
I had to learn how to think. When I was a little girl I was highly conscious …. I have memories predating the development of episodic memory at three years old. But once I got into elementary school I didn’t do well in class at all. I have always been very ADHD, it’s more likely my teachers thought I had a learning disability then superior intelligence all the way up until fifth grade. I pretty much daydreamed my way through the lessons about analog clocks and couldn’t tell the time on one until like 7th grade.
I was a reader, yes, I’ve always been a voracious reader. But my handwriting was practically illegible (I still have a bunch of my school work from elementary school – quite entertaining to read). Technically I had what is called dysgraphia, which made it hard for my teachers to read my work. I also had no ability to learn math back then. It didn’t click with me. The teacher would explain it and I’d get so obsessed with the tiny details, trying to follow the rules of long division and forgetting when to tack a zero on so I ended up with really bizarre answers to my math homework .
It was my writing which really impressed my fifth grade teacher. She believed in me, whereas I’d never seen myself as a good writer before, she encouraged my potential enormously. My second grade teacher as well. When I was a little kid I got the star of the play my teacher wrote. I worked so hard to get that part, ‘Freddy the Frog’.
It was about a frog that wanted to fly like a bird, amusing since I’d always wanted to fly like a bird, too.
My solo was this song called ‘Fly Away’
“I wish I may… I wish I might … I wish that I, could have this wish, I wish tonight. Oh I’d fly away, to places I’d never seen. Where the sky is always blue, and the grass is green. And every day, would be a better day. Oh how I wish, I could fly away. Oh how I wish, I could fly away. … I don’t know how. I don’t know when. All I know, is I must go, I must begin. Oh I’d fly away, to places I’d never seen, where the sky is always blue…and the grass is green. And every day…would be a better day….how I wish, I could fly away. How I wish…I could fly….away.”
Lol I still remember the whole thing. I was convinced back in elementary school my destiny was the stage because I loved performing . Acting, singing. I was in drama every year and I always got a lead role. The whole school knew me in elementary school even years after I left. But, my grades were really bad. I could not pay attention for shit.
I couldn’t do multiplication tables fast enough, I kept getting in trouble for playing with toys while the teacher was teaching, in kindergarten I was asked to do PE and I said ‘no thanks’. I also would run around doing crazy shit on field trips and kids would follow me and get hurt. I was like the “problem child” that some of my teachers probably considered an adorable nightmare. The only thing I excelled beyond anybody else was reading, I am sure I read at a high school level at least even in elementary school.
I’m sure I got a terrible score on the IQ test when I was tested for GATE. because when I was 10/11ish I tested my IQ online and it was pretty low. So I expect that was why I didn’t get into GATE, but nonetheless because I was so prodigal about my writing I did have teachers who would take me aside through middle school as well.
Here’s the thing – my IQ has changed dramatically since I took that test as a child. By the time I was in high school, my IQ score could easily have gotten me into the GATE program if there had been another test for it. As a child, my brain wasn’t fully fleshed out yet. “They” say IQ stays the same for a person’s whole life, but I know for a fact that my childhood IQ was below average and my current IQ is in the “genius” range. I was a late bloomer. But I DECIDED to learn. And I learned how to *think*.
Did I get smarter? No. I believed, with all the force of my human spirit, that there was nothing I was not capable of doing. I didn’t change my intellect, I changed my attitude. I hated middle school, and my grades were terrible until I decided that I no longer wanted to view school as a prison where pretentious adults tried to shove a curriculum down my throat. Instead, I discovered there was something fascinating about just about everything. I made myself care. I became invested. I saw things differently.
I *taught myself how to think*. I decided to begin seeing everything, school included, as an opportunity to learn more about the nature of reality. I decided to begin learning. Instead of trying to memorize the rules the teachers taught, it occured to me that nothing was arbitrary – that if I could just teach myself to see the principle underlying the broader framework of any idea, grasping it was simple.
Having previously been a fiction reader as a kid in middle school, in high school I started voraciously reading nonfiction. I began to teach myself about subjects that interested me because I wanted to learn. I wanted to PROVE I was smart enough to be in AP classes, honors classes, not for anybody else – but just for me. I wanted to PROVE to myself that I could do it, I BELIEVED that no matter the extent to which it was actually true.
The worst part of the GATE stuff was in 7th grade. In my school system there is no more GATE after middle school. My english teacher however also taught GATE, and ‘muggle’ kids like us. She would brag about how smart the GATE kids were and how none of us had a chance at anything like that. That was before I decided FUCK EM all , back when I still spent the whole schoolday daydreaming about killing myself.
The honors and AP classes are really not sketchy , they are just college level coursework. And great teachers, seriously, some of the best I’ve ever had. I am willing to bet if they put “average” level kids in AP classes with teachers who LOVE their subjects like AP teachers do, our entire education system would change.
AP classes made me grind out essay after essay. It was fucking hard but I improved. Eventually I was writing essays better then anybody in my AP classes, by a long shot, and those kids were brilliant, and few. They were genuinely some of the most challenging and rewarding classes, all my close friends were in normal high school classes and could barely write an essay. But the teachers had basically given up trying to teach the concept of a “thematic essay”.
Anyway. So sorry for this huge rant, but I feel much better having gotten this off of my chest.
Moral of the story, THINKING IS A SKILL. I get so saddened by those who believe that minds which are eager to learn have limits.
I believe in the limitless! I Believe IT, I don’t even care whether its true.
the kitty in me says: If I could have a personal interstice of spacetime totally isolated where my spirit could droop with feline languor over metaphysical rubix cubes of my own design I’d be perfectly content twitching over myraid rotations indefinitely. the dragon in me says musing unopposed is meaningless and real epiphany cannot manifest without an opponent, comrade, or rival of proportional skill. others are nearby is encouraging. maybe even if some never know the ways we have catalyzed each other’s progress into ever more salient forms.
I am not a balanced person, but my antisymmetric properties are basically balanced around their own impudent notion of baseline which is whacked off center by about twelve degrees. it’s not dysfunctional for me, it just makes me feel more amphibious . people around me seem to be like me in an ocean of information and they seem to cling to whatever line of idealism that is most socially approachable because existential stasis is less uncomfortable then failing to meet external validating criteria like widespread acknowledgement or popularity…
well of course philosophical musing can be pursued ad infinium without actually progressing spiritually. that’s the trick as its a balancing act. its not enough to only seek the light for oneself and hoard it drakon-like. it seems like we are aware as a species of our own fallacies and that makes it more frustrating that we seem to succumb to hatred and fear more then we used to rather then less. it can make things seem quite redundant and pointless, that human nature is as admirable and abhorrent as it will ever be.
I’ve made my metaphysical rubix cube dependent upon the progression of the collective because it makes things more intriguing and anyway I do not have a cute interstice in spacetime where I can play at untangling complex knots for an indefinite peroid . sometimes that feels not destabilizing so much as apathy inducing.
I’m a college student at UCI right now. I’m a seeker, 771992 ,”liathwu/olf” “caylus ark” my real name has the same english gematria value as “liath” and when I was young I had some interesting memories .